Ask Cap'n Slappy

In an effort t'keep up with the times, Cap'n Slappy is retirin' the ol' email advice column in favor of answerin' ye directly, in somethin' approachin' real time, on FaceBook.

Just "like" our Facebook page,, start yer message with "Dear Cap'n Slappy," and ask away. Ye'll get the same, er, high-quality advice ye've always found here. Whether yer worried about yer love life, or concerned about the fine points of pirate etiquette, Cap'n Slappy's yer man. All answers guaranteed 100% alcohol-fueled.

Check our FAQ fer answers to some o' our most oft-asked questions.

If ye want a more social-type interaction, find the Cap'n on Twitter, as "thecapnslappy" - or or scroll down this page to see his latest Tweets, over t' th' left thar. Be gentle. He has no idea what he's doing.

The Cap'n answers yer questions:

(Archived for posterity.)

Hi Cap’n Slappy,

I’m trying to figure out what to tell one of my coworkers. He seems to think it is OK to lie to the girls that he dates; so long as he says the same lie over and over again – in other words if he is consistent. But I dunno – seems like it is not a good idea to lie – what should I tell him?

Thanks, Ted

Ahoy Ted!

I've always said, "If ye're goin' to be a filthy, no-good, low-down manatee-buggerin' son-o'-a-person-o'-considerably-poor-reputation ... at least be consistent!" Ye need to ask yerself ... "If one o' them wenches were me daughter/mother/sister/transgendered brother ... what would I do?" Then, act accordin'ly! As for meself, if I know one o' me crew is lyin' to the wenches ... and I see him gettin' ready for an evenin' o' deceits ... I politely ask him to allow me to check him over to make sure he's presentable and when he does so ...

... I light his pants on fire and yell, "Ye LIAR-LIAR with yer pants fully engulfed in fire!!!"

Most o' the wenches know - when Cap'n Slappy and the crew o' The Festering Boil be in town - be wary o' any crew members with singed britches.

Burn responsibly.

Capn' Slappy

Capn Slappy,

I be a wench loving pirate meself, but I have been marooned in one o them "electronic's labs" and the shores are completely wench free. The other lads and I are need o a miracle, we be constantly laboring on them gizmos and whatnot so what would yer advice be to fix our wench-less situation?

- William

Ahoy Wench-loving Pirate!

I want ye to take a good look around ye! Use a spyglass if necessary. Perhaps thar be a chart o' some sort that let's ye get the lay o' the land in yer "electronic's lab!" But I have it on good authority that most o' these holdin' pens have an escape mechanism called a "door." (Funny name, "door." Just say it a few times and ye'll realise how utterly silly it sounds ... "DOOR!")

These "doors" tend to be rectangulARRR in shape, fit into openings in the wall and have - to one side o' the lower middle section a latching/unlatching device called a "doorknob." (The "k" be silent - for reasons best left to scientific types. But if ye insist on pronouncin' it, I won't hold that against ye! ... Again, a silly word ... "doorknob!") Ye can operate this handy device manually - it either turns or may appear as a lever that can be pushed downward - go ahead and experiment with this. At some point, ye should find that once manipulated the doorknob relases a latching device that allows the door to move on what are called, "hinges." Pulling on an unlatched doorknob will allow the door to swing toward you (in some cases, away from you ... but we'll work on that later if need-be). Swinging the door creates an opening.

Here comes the tricky pARRRRt.

GO THROUGH THE OPENING!!! On the other side is this thing called, "The World." Ye may have seen pictures o' it on yer electronical thingy-ma-bobs and what-nots - so don't be fearful! Be bold!!! Go forth and MEET WENCHES!

(But have money. Wenches like money ... in fact, without money, ye may be "invisible" to them.)

Go forth, me lad! And get ye some, "Bouncy-Bouncy!" (Instructions on the "Bouncy-Bouncy" sold seperately.)

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy!

I've a bit of a problem wi' me luv life. Me last man left me on account o', among other thin's, bein' a bit too demandin' i' th' bunk. 'Twould seem tha' despite me feminine form an' mind, I've the vigor of a right hearty man! Now, while I'm 'ere on land I could sure as anythin' head over ta them houses o' Greek fellas and find me a man so ale-sodden as what he'd sheathe 'is sword in anythin', but I'm told they ain't exactly what ye'd call prime lays, an' any'ow I ain't too keen on catchin' any o' them social diseases. We buccaneers got ta deal wi' enough troubles wit'out fearin' a plague from a bit o' fun, no? So what's a right saucy wench like meself t' do while I wait t' find a new man t' call me own?
Thank ye fer th'advice!

- Buxom Kate the Barbarous, o' the Golden Cockatrice

Ahoy Buxom Kate!

It be usually at this point that I offer up meself ... in me typical selfless gesture o' good will and generosity. But a man o' me advanced age needs to conserve what ... "energy" the Fates have left him for the all-important activities o' breathin', eatin', drinkin' and sleepin'. If only ye'd found me twenty-five years ago ye might have been wife number ... well, one o' the numbers at any rate!

I've found that when I'm goin' through a bit o' a "dry spell," it helps to keep meself busy. Classes are always good ... cookin', Spanish, basket-weavin', "chocolatierin'" and the like ... somethin' that "betters" ye! Book clubs also fill the time - I prefer them book clubs what insist on the saucier pieces o' literature - but that's just me own taste.

Ye can always do volunteer work ... soup kitchens, animal shelters, community gardenin' and standin' on the sidelines at children's sportin' events yellin' "Stay in school, ye wee sprogs! Athletics will not be yer ticket to a better life!!!" or other such encouragements.

But the key be to busy yerself whilst leavin' open the possibility o' that chance meetin' with that special, relatively-disease-free, someone.

And don't forget - there's always pillagin' to do somewhere!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

My friend said something mean about me and it hurts my feelings. What should I do, I have to see her every day.

Daisy

Ahoy Daisy,

Have ye considered seein' yer friend a bit "lumpier" every day? What I'm sayin' is ... have ye thought o' addressin' this situation by deliverin' unto yer "friend" a savage beatin' with yer fists and forehead? I've found most o' the conflicts in me life have become less conflictual when, in response to their bit o' nastiness, I unleash a furious barriage o' fist-blows and head-butts until my "friend" fully understands the passion with which I hold me own point o' view on whatever it was we were at odds about.

Nothin' says, "I am not givin' up on this friendship" like a savage beatin' with yer fists and forehead!

(Bring aspirin.)

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

My girlfriend left me for someone else, please what do I do!

- Jorge

Ahoy Lad!

I'm goin' to give ye the same advice I'd give to a pirate captain whose burning ship sinks beneath the waves.

"Let her go. 'Cuz man, she's gone."

I know it stings, but slap weasel-grease to it and march on!

Capn' Slappy

Cap’n Slappy,

Seeing the Blazing Saddles “eatin around the campfire” scene the other day, a question came to mind.

At sea we serve A LOT of beans with every meal on our square rigger. Beans causes more than just a little repeated aft gas seepage. If all the men on the gun deck are gassing up a storm in those close quarters and there is a command given to fire one of the cannons, what is the chance of an unintended damaging gas explosion causing a secondary effect of changing the gun deck to the poop deck?

Yours truly,

Seen Itall, Seaman Second Class
Ship’s Laundry

Ahoy Seaman Seen Itall (Second Class)

THAT'S the kind o' forward thinkin' we need aboard our ship - The Festering Boil! Most launderers don't give a crusty stockin' about "below-decks bio-explosive dangers!"

This, o' course, is why I've always been in favor o' keepin' the cannon on deck and in the open air! Sure - it means runnin up and down with barrels o' powder and cannonballs tucked away safely in yer britches - but that's a small price to pay for Methane Explosive Surprise Syndrome (or "MESS").

"Mess" has been a problem for many ships over the years - in fact, when I was first elected Cap'n o' The Festering Boil, we had our guns below decks. Our ship's inventor, Jimmy Donnelly, constructed an elaborate network o' tubes that could easily be attached to the trousers o' the gun crew and "funnelled" (for lack o' a better word) upwards to provide the sails with additional "man-made" wind. This plan had some success - but the sails needed to be laundered fortnightly.

Well ... come to thing o' it - we may have a job for ye after all!

Welcome aboard!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Capt Slappy

I have met me a dinky di true blue pirate priestess from the flying spaghetti monster church - she's absolutely gorgeously amazing and beautiful and everything - and as tonight is friday dress up as a pirate day - that's wot we've thar dun but before we get to pillage and lootin we went and had a squiz at this thar churchy place for sale very cheap like and a bit north of the shipwreck coast in the dark - oh yeah we're in Australia and was wonderin hows a bout it? - shood i buy the cheap church that needs paintin for me priestess to worship upon me or wot?? - your wizdom is sorely sought -

knucklebones carter

Ahoy Knucklebones!

If I understand ye correctly ... and the chances o' that are remote, at best ... I would say that the heart o' worshipfullittude cannot be found in a buildin' - no matter how much the resale potential may be. The place ye seek can only be found in yer heart ... yer cold, black, pirate heart.

I, meself, remain devoutly undevoted.

Now, if yer priestess WANTS the ol' church ... by all means procure it for her! In fact - a good rule o' thumb would be ... "if she wants it - get it for her!" Does she want a beer? Get her the beer! Does she want a puppy? Get her the cutest wee puppy ye can find! Does she want to own yer manly-dangle-bits? Serve 'em up to her on a shiny silver platter with a side order o' yer hopes and dreams as a garnish. She's a priestess after all - she knows what's best for ye!

And those rules apply whether ye be Down Under or Above Over and Slightly to the Left.

Happy Worshipin'!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap’n Slappy,

I have a question for you, I hope you can help me, why are no women on their pirate ship? say that salty seals persuaded that the bad luck? I would most appreciate a beautiful woman on my boat savvy?

was signed: Captain leg side

Ahoy Captain Leg Side!

We ALL would appreciate a beautiful woman on our boats! I would also appreciate one in me cabin and on a special trampoline I've been savin' for just such an occasion. But sadly, beautiful women don't grow on trees and if they did, I'm pretty sure the likes o' us couldn't afford that particular fruit.

However, in the absence o' beautiful women, may I suggest ye consider allowin' "Substantive" women aboard yer ship? These women are less decorative but far more functional. In fact, they are SO functional they may decide at some point that they're not sure they have much use for the likes o' US on THEIR ship! And as I am not, myself, a "beautiful" man, I have tried to make substantive contributions in order to make myself useful to them.

Nowadays, women and men, beautiful and substantive, witty and witless, charming and ... "otherwise," comingle gleefully on ships throughout the seven seas! The community o' corsairs is now "co-educational" and I, for one, think that's just ... spiffy!

Capn' Slappy

Cap'n Slappy,

Me and me crew be searchin' for a name to call ourselves and our ship. Ahh I love me crew. We just sit 'round drinkin' rum all day. Oh yeah, we would like something to do with rum included in our crew name.

That be it for now.

Cap'n Jacyuie (pronounced jay-see)

P.S. Why should Talk Like A Pirate Day be restricted to just one day of the year? It'd be better everyday of the year!

Ahoy Cap'n Jacyuie!

First, let me assure ye that ye're welcome to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on whatever day ye please - as often as ye please! Don't let us, or yer friends, or yer family, or the torch-wieldin' villagers screamin' "STOP TALKING LIKE A PIRATE FOR ONE BLEEDIN' DAY!" stop ye!

Now, for a list o' potential rum-themed pirate crew names:

The Lazy Rumpots!
The Bacardi Barcoloungers!
Cap'n Morgan's Reserves!
The RUMPUSSES!
RUM DMC!
The RUMTASTICS!
The Little Rummerboys - (Pa Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!)
Sailor Jerry's Kids!

That'll get ye started!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Captain Slappy!

I be plannin a gatherin of damsels for a treasure hunt and I be needin help comin' up with background stories for pirate names I've created. I'm pretty new at this here pirate talk so any help would be much abliged!!! (They NEED to be funny too and fairly clean for Christian 74 year olds!!)

Can you help????

Grimy Gerzelda (Lisa)
(I'm not very creative so I'm reaching out for help!!)

Ahoy, Grimey Gerzelda!

(A wench, so-named, because o' her charity work squeezin' oil from Spongebob Squarepants after the Gulf Spill o' 2010. Legal action is still pending.)

I've come up with very brief notes on each o' the characters below. Enjoy!

Dot = Dirty Dog Dot (Poor Dot tried her hand at her first love, pet grooming, but she gave it up when her attempt to clean a particularly dirty springer spaniel with a wire-haired terrier produced an unfortunate litter o' "Springy Wire Dogs" that Dog Fancy Magazine declared, "A breed so ugly, Betty White couldn't love it.")
Sandra = Red Rogue (Sure, she's rogueish enough - but also easily embarrassed.)
Kathy = Buxom Blackwater (Years of mercernary work could never harden Buxom Blackwater's heart - of course, as we can all see, her heart has always been well-defended by her ample ... "buxomness.")
Helen = Dirty Kidd (At least that's what we called her in her early years ... we've been thinkin' o' changin' her name to "Dirty Dame.")
Smitty = Land Dodger (She came by this moniker honestly - through poor navigational skills and a defiance o' the laws o' gravity. In fact, we don't think she's touched ground for at least thirty years.)
Gayla = Gunpowder Gurdie (We'd like to say that Gurdie got her name for coolness in battle or courage under fire - but really, it has more to do with hygiene than heroics. We're pretty sure that even after bathing, she rubs dirt on herself to dry off - but "Dirty Gurdie" was taken.)
Bess = Cutthroat Bess (Now, despite her fierce moniker, Bess is no "Cutthroat." But her husbands ... how many has it been, Bess? Thirteen? Have been notoriously poor shavers ... rest their souls.)
Oweda = Smarmy Grimm - (Sure! She puts on a pleasant face - that's because she cut it off a beauty contest winner!)
PJ = Limber Mary (Much more popular* with the lads than her sister, "Lumber Martha." *exception - loggers.) Well, we needn't explain how this lady of the evening got her name, need we??
Paulette = Hurricane Hester (It's not that Hester is a "blow hard!" But have ye seen the mess she left in the galley?)
Higgy = Toothless Bonny (Believe ye me! This is so much better than her former nickname, "Big Tooth Bunny!")
Mo = Captain Rackham (No, this isn't the famous "Jack Rackham" who was secretly married to the even more famous pirate, Anne Bonney. This is Jack's cousin who was actually named, "Captain" in hopes that the child would grow up to accomplish something. *sigh* Parents will try anything.)
Lisa = Grimy Gerzelda (After the ill-fated "Spongebob Incident," Gerzelda moved to Guatamala and started a Guava farm.)

Hope this helps!

Capn' Slappy

Dear cap,n slappy

I am in need of a new ship and was wonderin if

You got any tip on buildin me a raft?

Captain steel jaw

Ahoy Cap'n Steel Jaw!

The finest rafts known to all o' human kind are found in boxes o' the finest cardboard! Do not make the same mistake made by many and put the cardboard box into the water and begin paddlin' - this will only produce shame and failure. Instead, open said box and remove contents - usually an elongated oval of rubber or some sort of fossil fuel composition. Explore this object for hard plastic valvues or "blow holes" and, after opening the cap on this piece (henceforth called a "stem" for simplicity's sake) place your mouth (hencforth called yer "gob" for piratical purposes) over the stem and commence a program of systematic inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your gob.

Do not grow faint o' heart, although you will likely grow faint o' breath and probably at some point, just faint. Given proper committment, you will begin to see your new raft take shape. To speed up the process, work in tandem with one or more crew members - each repeating the nose breath/gob exhale process as you fill your raft with the former contents o' yer collective lungs.

Once the raft is fully inflated, replace the stem cap, perhaps inserting it into the body of the raft (depending on the type of cardboard box you have selected) and ready yourselves for a watery adventure.

If breath is left in your bodies, you might shout a grand, "Huzzah!" before taking to the water.

If the cardboard box contains small oars, disregard these as they show that you have no faith in almighty Neptune, from whose manly nipples all blessings spring forth. A real pirate trusts his or her fate to the current, the winds and Sweet Neptune's Salty Man Nipples o' Destiny!

Have fun!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy me matey's!

I be wunderin what ye may come up wit if I's were to
ask thee for some help. If me faithful schooner were made to have
government issued warning tags and sayings, what ye think they may say?
I'm looking for a handful of really great ideas and I wanted to turn to
only the best of the best; Cap'n Slappy, Ol' Chumbucket and Mad Sally!
Thank you,
Travis
The Idaho Pirate sailing the High Desert Seas!

Ahoy Idaho!!!

Ye might want to try some o' these on for size!

"How's me plunderin'? Call 555 - PLUNDER."
"Caution: Contents may slosh during transport."
"Powered by wind - both natural and man-made."
"If this vessel's rockin' - don't bother stalkin'!"
"If ye can read this, PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!"
"One pirate's treasure is another pirate's booty!"
"I've got two pistols, one plank and I'm out of patience. Any other questions?!?"

Hope that helps!

Yo Ho!

Capn' Slappy

Cap'n Slappy,

I seems as though me wench is in a bit o distress. Y'see, well it's a subject o a delicate nature, Cap'n. Mebbe she got ahold o some grog from the wrong cask, or mebbe even she tried my salt peter, but whatever happened it has riled up her innerds but somethin' good. The point is, sir, she aint been able to pump her bilge fer nigh on a week, if yer catchin my drift. It's as if she is trying to empty the cask with the bung still in the hole and it ain't pleasant. Do ya think a swift keelhaulin' might do the trick? Should I check fer barnacles below the water line? It ain't healthy fer a ship to sail too long without off loadin' some cargo, lest it start to fester, aye? Hurry yer answer Cap'n cause there is somethin what needs a watery grave, and it ain't this old salt.

Davy Jones, whose locker is full

Ahoy Davy!

I always run me medical questions past Ol' Doc "Sawbones" Burgess - and dependin' on his state o' drunkenness at the time he may alternately suggest amputation or a course o' leaches.

But yer wench's rather delicate situation forces me to seek a higher authority - so, I'm makin' it up as I goes along.

Here's what ye do! I want ye to get top-o'-the-shelf Weasel Grease! Don't settle for the less expensive "Wezel Greez" or the inexplicable "Liesel Grease." Suck it into one o' them turkey-bastin' monkey pumps and warm it in yer nethers for about ten minutes. Then, assumin' she's willin' to let ye do this ... "apply internally" (if ye don't get me meanin' I'll have Ol' Chumbucket draw ye a picture - which ye're not likely to understand either - as he's goin' through a bit o' an "Impressionist" phase and obscures all o' his images with lush, colorful and slightly out o' focus water lilies).

Give it time to settle - and then encourage yer wench to do a bit o' dancin' that encourages a bit o' bouncin'. (May I suggest the Lambada? The "forbidden dance!")

But whatever ye do, don't stray too far from the head - as she'll no doubt be ready to "pump the bilge" in short order.

Added bonus! She'll have that fresh weaselly scent for days!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I wonder if Pirates were the first men to wear ear rings.

I also wonder where they would get their ears pierced and what would it have cost back then.

Could it have been a Buck-an-ear?

Black Jack Davey
Aliso Viejo, CA

Ahoy Black Jack Davey!

If the historical research that I just made up out o' me own twisted imagination be true - the first men to wear ear rings were a band o' nomadic barbarians from the Black Forest who would get drunk on fermented beet juice and have to be lead around by the ear by their wives and girlfriends while they got an earful of "what an embarrassment you are when you are drinkin' fermented beet juice with the boys!"

But pirates have also been wearin' nice gold earrings for as long as I can remember! (And I like yer wee, "Buck-an-ear" bit!) It was probably more likely that the piercin' itself was free o' charge and the result o' drunken knife throwin' contests - probably after drinkin' too much fermented beet juice.

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Me mate of 14 years sold his "Time flies when yer havin' Rum" t-shirt at our yard(-arm) sale last week, instead of returnin' it to me when he didn't want it no more! What's a fittin' way to show him me umbrage?

Love,
Barnacle Bess

" May a wind not of yer own makin' blow thru yer bloomers"

Ahoy Barnacle Bess!

Is yer mate lookin' to end his tenure before yer 15th year?!? Sellin' yer Rum-Themed Novelty T-Shirt is a bridge too far! Fortunately, I have the remedy for ye - Ye must require him to purchase ye a new T-Shirt - somethin' in a piratty theme! Perhaps even one o' the fine T-Shirts available on our own web site!

But that's just for starters ...

In me role as Chief Justice o' The Supreme Court o' Pirate Opinion, I hereby decree the followin'.

In addition to the above-mentioned purchase (and truly, we have a wonderful selection) the shirt-sellin' ne-er-do-well must:

forfeit an item o' his own clothin' to ye - yer choice - for whatever nefarious intentions ye have.
buy ye one (1) bottle o' the rum o' yer choosin' and watch silently as ye drink it all on yer onesies.
take full responsibility for cleanin' the head for a month. And ...
surrender the television remote control for a week (except for the duration of two (2) football games (college or pro - or a combination of one each) up to and including only ONE (1) overtime period per game) (We're not monsters.)

And let the defendant know that any further misguided attempts to sell treasured novelty t-shirts at a bargain to consumers will be dealt with even more harshly!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Cap'n Slappy, here be a few questions I'd like answered.

I'm still underage, so where can I buccaneer some budget booze? (I'm talking about rum)
In your eyes (or eye) how accurate are the pirates of the carribean movies to real pirate life?
Slappy, what kind of a name is that?
I've lived in the pirate homeport of Bristol all my life, so pirate'n is in my blood, but where are you and Ol' Chumbucket from?

That be it. Sincerly,

Capn' Slappy

Captain Chelcat, of the Flying Feline. (Aye, that be my ship)

Ahoy Captain Chelcat!

Here be me responses point by point!

Ye can't! "Underage" means yer wee brain is needin' healthy drinks to grow - ye can start destroyin' all the brain cells ye want once they've had a chance to congeal! Until then - enjoy a nice carrot juice!
I have enjoyed the "Pirates o' the Caribbean" series (well, truth be told - I REALLY enjoyed the first one - liked parts o' the second one and wondered, "What the Frig?" throughout most o' the third one) but I would say that it was about as "accurate" to pirate life as the "Naked Gun" movies were to serious police work.
A damn good one!
Ol' Chumbucket and meself grew up on different waters. He is originally from Chicago (think "Gangsters on a really big lake") and I'm from Seattle (think" hard-rockin' slackers drinkin' coffee on a salt-watery Puget Sound.") And like most young people o' our era, we grew up watchin' pirate movies featuring the likes o' Robert Newton (the Patron Saint o' International Talk Like a Pirate Day) and Errol Flynn (think, "Brad Pitt jumpin' around in tights with swords.")

I hope that settles things for ye! Don't drink! Grow up nice a smart! And when ye're older, ye can be a saucy, silly git like Ol' Chumbucket and meself.

Capn' Slappy

Argh, Cap’n Slappy,

I’m after ye help. Me and me fellow harties are entering into a pirate treasure hunt to win loads of pirate booty. We are fun lovin scallywags and need a quirky little name for ourselves.

Can ye think of anything??

I raise me flaggon of run to ye if ye can!

Michelle

Ahoy Michelle!

Group names are ever the challenge. Aboard our ship, "The Festering Boil" the mates are called simply, "The Boilers." But here are some suggestions for yer own group.

The Dread Naughties
Treasure Keepers
Rum-Swilling Rapscallions
Scallywag Incorporated
The Barnacle Bunch
Operation Trolling Plunder
A Buckle Full o' Swash!

I hope that can at least get ye started - Happy Pillagin'!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Capn' Slappy!

I'm having this problem I hope you can solve. Ya see I simply can't talk like a pirate! Whenever I try to I end up sounding like I live in a trailer in Alabama and am married to my cousin! Whats a pirate to do Capn'?

Sincerely
The Teenage Pirate

P.S. Whats your opinion on zombie or robot pirates?

Ahoy Teenage Pirate!

First things first - do NOT marry yer cousin. Not that I have anythin' against yer cousin personally, but I DO hold a grudge against a two-headed goat-boy named "Cletus" which is what I am sure you and "Cuz" will produce should ye follow that course o' behavior.

Secondly. OF COURSE ye can talk like a pirate! Ye just have to buy one (or all) of our books available through this web site and practice, practice, practice!!! Do ye think Yo-Yo Ma could play the "lap fiddle" afore he spent years and years practicin'?!? And don't ye think he needed to read one o' our books before ye could master ANYTHIN'!?! Well, I don't know if that second part be true - I assume it is, cuz Yo-Yo is definitely a pirate at heart - but I do know that ye cannot throw in the towel - or the squid - or whatever a pirate throws in when he quits - which we don't really have a word for because we NEVER QUIT!

Thirdly. While I am unequivocally opposed to robot pirates - as we lack the technology to imbue said robots with proper "Pirattitude" and only a simulated "pirobotude" which is still in the theoretical stage and seems to manifest in robots swinging their arms and burbling on about "Danger, Will Robinson" or some such nonsense. However, I favor zombie pirates because a sooth sayer once foretold that I would one day be king of the zombie pirates - which, I am sure, has it's perks.

And oddly, the sooth sayer never did say, "sooth!" (I demanded a partial refund for the omission.)

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Here be me problem mate, you see i be an aspirin' pirate cap'n me'self and i've been a wonderin this great country o' mine from coast to coast, but i have yet to aquire me own blood thirsty moniker, and i be a thinkin "who better then Cap'n Slappy to give me a name fitting of me blood thirsty self?" So i be wonderin' will ye do me the honour of givin me, me very own piratin' nickname, one that be strikin' fear into the very bowels of me enemies whilst i prepare to give them a sound beating with me fists and forehead all whilst making the wenches swoon eh?

Signed,

Cap'n John "insert bloody moniker" Corvus

P.S.
Canadian bacon really IS made of baby seals, and we can't wait to become the land o' thousand swimming pools!

Ahoy Cap'n John "IBM" Corvus!

Aye! Namin' stuff be what I do best - in fact, if I had been Adam - and namin' all them animals - a horse would be a "ridey-farty" and a snake would be a "slither-Johnson."

But no point in ditherin' on about "what could o' been!" Let's get to givin' ye the moniker yer deserve. I will provide ye with a list o' suitable names that offer both but bloody imagery ye desire along with just a hint o' whimsy - and ye can choose which one ye would like to insert between the quotes.

"Skull Crusher"
"Stout Handshake Grip"
"The Kraakenator"
"Rum Guzzler"
"Bone Basher"
"Bloodletter"
"Curly Beard"
"The Wrathful Grape" (requires ye to wear purple garb - kind o' a "super hero pirate" thing)
"Corpse Daddy" (after every kill, ye ask yer victim, "Who's yer daddy?")
"Destroyer o' Regularly Scheduled Activities" (a bit cumbersome - but it sends a message ...of sorts.)

So, there's a start. If none o' these "sings" to ye - consider selecting a sea creature and giving it an unusual adjective. (i.e. "The Dyspeptic Seagull.")

Fair Winds and a Fearsome Moniker!

Capn' Slappy

Yo ho,

Please consider the possibility of re-dating the ITAPD day to a fixed day such as the third Friday in Sept. instead of a floating date such as the 19th. I am a somewhat salty school teacher and I love to celebrate ITAPD with my students-a few years back ITAPD landed on constitution day, that was a fun day of teachin'. Anyhoots, Fridays are always a good day for cutting loose with a deck-side jig or two and it's always more concrete for the students to actually celebrate an observance on the day it actually occurs.

Thanx for your consideration.

eddyman!

Ahoy Eddyman!

As delighted as we would be to make our wee holiday as generic and user-friendly as possible, there were very powerful, compelling reasons we established the date September 19th - "EVERY YEAR" as International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Perhaps this original document found aboard our ship, The Festering Boil, after the maid finished her bi-monthly cleaning, will explain it for ye.

/And therefore, in regards to the selection of the date, September 19th as the date on which International Talk Like a Pirate Day shall be celebrated with much feasting, and drinking, and wearing of eye-patches, followed by more feasting, and drinking, and the singing of bawdy songs about wenches and manatees and a particularly clever monkey named, "Chip," who joined the circus only to be horribly, horribly disappointed by the treatment of elephants ... (edited portion) ... and, in short, because September 19th was Cap'n Slappy's first wife's birthday - the date bein' stuck within the thickness o' his skull but of little use for anythin' else, what with all the savage beatin's delivered with his fists and forehead and the imbibement of ALL of the rum (until more was made) ... (edited portion) ... and whereupon if anyone doesn't like it, they can fudge the date to suit their purposes ... because ... "Hey! Pirates!" ... we do hereby establish and ordain this holy day, in the year of our (or somebody's) Lord .... So let it be written, so let it be done. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Amen.

/Additionally, there was somethin' in there about a curse of boils - or boilers - or boilermakers should anyone veer from the established date which Ol' Chumbucket and meself closely follow as our Doc Burgess lacks a dermatology certification.

(But just between ye and me ... ye can probably get away with celebratin' it on whatever Friday in September works best for ye - we won't mind ... and occasionally, ye'll be on the correct date and can avoid the boils that year.)

Yer Pal,

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Capn' Slappy!

I'm having this problem I hope you can solve. Ya see I simply can't talk like a pirate! Whenever I try to I end up sounding like I live in a trailer in Alabama and am married to my cousin! Whats a pirate to do Capn'?

Sincerely
The Teenage Pirate
P.S. Whats your opinion on zombie or robot pirates?

Ahoy Teenage Pirate!

And oddly, the sooth sayer never did say, "sooth!" (I demanded a partial refund for the omission.)

Capn' Slappy

Yo ho,

Ahoy Eddyman!

Perhaps this original document found aboard our ship, The Festering Boil, after the maid finished her bi-monthly cleaning, will explain it for ye.

Yer Pal,

Capn' Slappy

Me dear capnslappy,

I have recently acquired a jug of that new fangled vanilla rum, (quite tasty) and I was wonderin if I would be welcome on the poop deck with it, or walkin the plank for insubordination ??

Also could ye ask yer wench where a girl of voluptious curviture aquires her duds to be presentable to the crew on Sept 19 ??

yours truly.... arrrr... crap capn I need me a name too.........are there any left for a single wench??

Dear unnamed Single Wench,

Ah! "The Rum Rule!" Just remember these simple rules and ye can drink yer rum ANYWHERE!

Bring enough for everybody!* (*"Everybody" who is in a position
to make yer life miserable if ye don't share!)
* Never try to out-drink Cementhands McCormack. (That's just a
safety measure.)

As for ladies costumin' our web site has a whole section o' fine clothiers on our "Links" page. Just scroll down till ye find the link for "Gear and Garb" One o' our favorites for wench garb is http://www.dresslikeapirate.com/ Tell Shayna, "Cap'n Slappy sent me!"

Happy Shoppin'!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

The other day, I made a disco reference near a pirate, and he made a piratey, yet discotequish reply.

Question: Do pirates boogie? Do they use corny pick-up lines like, "What's your sign?" Or was this a pseudo-pirate?

According to the Pirate Name Generator I picked, I'm:

Bloody Ramona Cutler

Dear Bloody Ms. Cutler,

Ah! Ye've stumbled on to one o' the worst kept secrets in all o' Piratdom! Pirates love all manner o' rhythmic music! From rap to funk to winsome morris dances - music is the rhythm of a pirate's work! Cap'ns especially regarrrrrd the discotequish genre with affection because it makes the crew work faster!

Ye probably came across a pirate cap'n who no doubt continued his work day with the driving "Chu-kah Chu-kah Chu-kah" of the electronic music the kids are so keen on these days bashin' about betwixt his ears.

So, yes - pirates boogie (whilst they work) and have been known to use the occasional pick-up line as we've chronicled here at talklikeapirate.com in the past. But none o' that "what's yer sign" stuff here - we know the sign ... "Bar's Open!" This week's most popular pick-up line is, "Release the kraaken!"

Glad to dash a line between pirate fact and pirate fiction!

Capn' Slappy

Cap'n Slappy, ye olde terrorizer of the trade routes,

I be needin' a wee bit o' advice. I be studying nautical* engineering and may get a gift from the king as a result, about eight thousand dubloons for th' year. I currently be renting a shanty in a shitty village in the colony of Virginia where there be nothin' to do 'cept get drunk, an' th' wenches not even be decent-looking afterwards. Normally, I be inclined to move, but there be nothin' wrong with th' shanty an' I be rentin' it for two hundred dubloons paid following the night of the full moon. Me plan is to keep takin' classes through messenger** but move to th' mountains where the moose and wenches roam free. That, an' th' elevation make them get drunk faster...aaaaaaarrrrr. The rent in the New Spanish territory be much greater, about sev'n hundred dubloon. For work, I be tradin' currencies an' that be coverin' tuition plus about six hundred dubloon per month, so a rent increase be something that can be handled, if nothing else because me savings number twenty-three thousand dubloon. Me concern be that if I be goin' elsewhere an' it displeases me, that I may not be able to find me another shanty that be rentin' for two hundred dubloon. Cap'n, I am honestly not sure what to do 'bout this stinker, what would you be doin'?

First Mate Alexandre, writin' upon NHMS (not her Majesty's ship, that scurvy wench) Lawson

*electrical
**distance programme

Ahoy Alexandre!

First and foremost - if ye can't drink enough to make the wenches in yer current locale appear "decent-lookin'" then, my lad - ye're not drinkin' enough! I once was engaged to marry a grizzle-bear on accounta' the drink. Oh, the times we had! She was real out-doorsy as well - all day, fishin' and turnin' over fallen trees for bugs and what not. (That last bit should have been a dead give-away in hind-sight - but I was drinkin' for six in them days.) Needless to say, me mates formed one o' them "Interventions" and I sobered up just long enough to see the error o' me inter-species ways and broke off the engagement - much to Ol' Grizzle-bear's consternation.

My advice is this;

Spend the money ye're currently savin' on rent on the drink.
Avoid wenches (or grizzle-bears what appear to be wenches) whilst ye're in yer studies. (Scientific studies show that romantic entanglements make us stupid beyond belief.
Finish yer edumacation and get a nice place where the wenches be moderately tolerable lookin' but continue to spend lots o' money on the drink - as it isn't becomin' for a man to be overly choosy.
Behave in such a way as ye must eventually return to the sea in order to avoid the consequences o' followin' the advice o' an ol' drunk, grizzle-bear-buggerin' ol' pirate such as meself!

Pirate On!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Bein' a salty sea pirate like yerself' I be disposed t' ownin' a variety o' edgy an' sharp-like weapons o' various sorts. Most recent I be receivin' a nicely sharpened cutlass with a fyne basket hilt. Th' UPS fella delivered me blade t' th' door an' me fyne pirate wife signed fer it. She be well trained in her ways an' declined t' open th' parcel afore I arrived in port. In th' course o' time I be heavin' into port an openin' me new toy, when I drew th' fyne steel from th' sheath she cursed me an' said, "get that horrible thing out o' th' house, it scares th' hell out o' me"! Cap'n, I be at a loss, I be ownin' a whole arsenal o' mayhem an this be th' only blade that be curdlin' her hot blood! What should I be doin'? This be now me favorite boardin' weapon an' cat skinnin' blade, I be needin' yer advice if ye would! I admit th' cutlass looks genuinely evil an' capable o' all sorts o' mayhem, when I be hoistin' it oer me head I feel like swingin' it round me self an' watchin' limbs fly, but I naer considered sheathin' it in me own pirate wife! Could I be possesin' a cursed blade with th' soul o' some infamously named despicable pirate trapped inside it? Should I just roll with that?
Thank ye kindly fer yer advice!

The Blue Gryphon

Ahoy Blue Gryphon!

Ye may, as legend has it, be in possession o' "The Evil Blade o' Corky McGaffigan!" Legend has it that McGaffigan was the chief cook aboard Black Bart Roberts' ship and the sole survivor o' their run-in with the English navy! He used his blade in the galley - but was known to go from boarding party to party dip in the same day without given the blade so much as a swipe with an oily cloth.

The only way to tell if yer blade be "TEBo'CM" (as we say in the evil blade collection biz) is to lay out a vast assortment o' veggies, legumes and chunks o' variety meats and pass yer sword over the top. If, as foul luck may have it, yer new sword slices, dices and, Neptune forbid, "juliennes" ye have two options;

Forward the blade to meself and I will see that it is kept in a safe place where it can do no more evil (The Food Network). Or ...
Return it to Ron Poepeil for a refund o' $19.95!

*Whatever ye do - make no attempt to gesture demonstratively with this weapon whilst discussin' yer decision with yer pirate wife!

Happy Cookin'!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy

I've always been wondering, what is the relationship between pirates and sea turtles?

From, Twitchy the Cabin Boy

Ahoy Twitchy!

I don't care what ye've heard - WE'RE JUST FRIENDS! Oh, sure - there have been moments when our eyes have met as the sea turtle swims flirtatiously past me ship puttin' the ol' "come-hither" on me - and with their life-expectancy ye know they'll be a good provider in yer frail dotage ... But there be some lines a pirate just won't cross and anyone who is such a home-body that they carry their home on their back simply doesn't have the adventuresome spirit a pirate needs in a life mate.

But we'll always be good friends.

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I am making a video game for school. The game consists of the player flinging sea urchins at pirate ships to sink them. There is more to it but that is the basis. I was wondering if you could give me a few titles for the game? YAARRRR(thanks) Cap'n Slappy.

Pirate Paul.

Ahoy Pirate Paul!

Here be me suggested titles for the game ye describe;

*Pirates o' the Urchin Flingin'!
Urchin Flingers o' the Caribbean!
Pirates vs. Urchins!
Revenge o' the Urchins!
Urchin Attack!
Suck On This You Filthy Pirates!
Release the Urchins!
Great Neptune's Urchin Fling!

I hope that was o' some help to ye!

Capn' Slappy

Hello Captn

I was in a humorous way with a friend Captn Sparrow asking him how he would like lassys to be his deckhands because he was complaining about his deckhands being drunk all the time ... And in his response to me he called me a wench ! Now I need a comeback for him that includes a little jab in a funny way.

Can you help?

B~

Ahoy B!

First, let me point out that the word "wench" in and of itself simply means, "woman." It's the modifiers ye need to be on the watch for - "saucy, salty, spicy, castratin'-she-devil-of-a ..."

However, if ye want to bring yer pirate down a notch or two ye might try one o' the followin' "Step-Back" names;

10. Termite Peg
9. Granny Patch
8. Barnacle Butt
7. Manatee Mauler
6. Sheep Shanker
5. Albatroscious
4. Princess Puffyshirt
3. Rum Bungler
2. Assistant TO the Regional Cabin Boy
And the number one "Step-Back" names ye can drop on yer man.
1. SHORT John Silver!

There's a good wench!

Capn' Slappy

*Cap'n Slappy ,,*

My wife wants me to get a job????? I havent worked in four years,,,Whats the rush???? can you please help me,,I need some good pirate advice,,I admit I am a lazy pirate..But since I have seen you on wife swap you have become my hero !!!!! Should I throw her off the plank, or sail the seven seas for another wench????*

** ** *rrrrrrrrrrrr,*
** *pirate in training,*
** *L, A. Zeebum*

Ahoy L, A. (Not only does yer name spell, "Lazy Bum" but yer first initial is punctuated with a droopy comma instead of a crisp period - very slovenly indeed! Congratulations on yer commitment to the bit!)

After four years o' inactivity ye've graduated from sedentary to catatonic. I'd tell ye to come get yer diploma - but that seems like an awful lot o' work for a fella in yer delicate condition. In fact, ye be in no condition to throw anyone off the plank - let alone begin anything as vigorous as a "wench search."

So, here's what ye do - find a job that matches yer current skill set. May I suggest any o' the following.

Paperweight (substitute)
Crossing Guard (in lawn chair)
Psychologist
Stand-in porch hound dog for hillbilly family
Post Office Clerk
Dead Celebrity Impersonator
Professional Napper
Internet Porn Critic
Author of "Unauthorized Biographies" (Just avoid the mind-bending
conundrum of "Authoring" something that is 'Unauthorized.")
Antarctica's Chief of Refrigeration Repair Services
World Wrestling Federation Acting Coach

The list goes on - but ye needn't! Just show yer wife the list o' jobs for which ye be best suited and tell her ye'll get on it as soon as The Jetsons is over!

Yo Ho - Yo Ho - It's off to sleep ye go!

Capn' Slappy

Ol' Chumbucket adds:

L.A. - I'd just add fer yer edification that, while we had a fair amount o' fun harassing the beejus out of that organized family, you might want to not make any life plans based on the veracity of "reality" TV. There's a reason they put the word in quotation marks.

Just remind the love of yer life (or your wife, whichever) that if by job she means knuckling under to some swab, she can count you out. But if she means finding away to acquire the booty you need to sustain yer sedentary lifestyle, well, that opens the door a bit to options, now don't it?

G'day mates,

why does International Talk Like A Pirate Day fall on Constitution day?

Yer auld mate

Natt Strainer

Ahoy Natt!

The short answer, of course, is that it doesn't.

"Constitution Day!" That day every year that commemorates the September 17, 1787 signing of the United States Constitution and requires all public schools to direct attention to the document itself and the history surrounding it happens two full days before our September 19th celebration.

In fact, if ye read our essay on the beginnin' o' the day itself, ye'll see that we carefully avoided another historical event out of respect for the day and settled on September 19th for the most pragmatic of reasons - because we could remember it.

But it's always nice to be in as respectable a calendar neighborhood as Constitution Day!

We the pirates!

Capn' Slappy

hello there

i just thought that i would take the time to tell you that i am grateful for talk like a pirate day. i suffer from mental illness and since i learned about your neptune blessed holiday i have been feeling better. it also brought me and my mother closer.

i am known as mad mike the pyrate king. kind of part jack sparrow. stephen from braveheart. i must admit that i talk like a pirate every day and stress out a couple of me friends with my english piratey language skills.

i live in an adult family home and come sept. 19 i will be trying to get everyone to scuttle their inhibitions and talk proper like. both you and ol' chumbucket have a special place in me heart. god bless you and keep you both safe.

simply believe
mad mike the pirate king
(i have a kingdom but i misplaced it somewhere)

Ahoy Mad Mike the Pirate King!

Thank ye for yer note! We are always glad to bring a bit o' joy into people's lives - that's what International Talk Like a Pirate Day is all about.

Keep up the good work - and keep spreadin' the word ... which is, of course, "ARRRRR!"

Capn' Slappy

Yo Ho!

Can you help me with a Pirate name for a fishing tackle company? Jolly Roger is already taken!!!

Thanks,

Darren

Ahoy Darren!

Please feel free to consider usin' any o' the followin'!

The Pirate's Hook
The Lure o' the Sea
Blackbeard's Bait
Buccaneer Bass
Swashbucklin' Salmon
The Jolly Rigger
Treasure Tackle
Dead Men Tell No Fishtales

Thar be a few to get ye started! I also tought, "The Conquerer Worm" would be good - but less piratey. If ye choose one o' these names, send me a store t-shirt!

Good luck!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Cap'm:

What's onyer list for 2010?

- anon.

Ahoy Me List Enthusiast!

Which list do ye mean? I've got a whole list o' lists (of which I now provide a partial list with partial components to each):

Cap'n Slappy's "Sweet Neptune's Man Nipples! I wish I was THAT RICH List!"
- Bill Gates
- Warren Buffett
- Oprah
- That Guy Down the Street Who Has The Partially Remodeled '68 Mustang
Cap'n Slappy's "Shite List"
- Terrorists or Any Others with Bombs in their Underpants
- Cap'n Crunch (He Knows WHY!)
- The Entire Infrastructure That Keeps "Reality TV" Going
- Anybody Taking Shots at Renee Zellweger. ("Stop it! Just
  Stop it! She's hard working and not unattractive!")
Cap'n Slappy's "Piratty Sounding Porn Names" (That I may use if
this Pirate Thing comes to a halt.)
- Plank Walker
- Dack Ramrod
- Phineas Monkeypump
- Blackpubes the Pirate

The rest o' me lists are kept in a book safely tucked away in me foot locker! And if anyone touches me foot locker they'll quickly find themselves on me "Dearly Departed This Year" list!

Capn' Slappy

Capt'n,

Say ye had 2 dog, 3 women, and 2 barrels of Rum, and ye ship was burrin. Theres only 1 small raft that cd barely stay afloat. What would Ye do?

-Skylarking Pintle

Ahoy Skylarkin' Pintle!

OH! Goody! One o' them "Puzzlers!!!"

First a question - "Are these 'Good Doggies?'"

No matter - a Doggie is a Doggie and a man's best friend.

So, here's what I would do;

Point the ship in the direction o' the nearest deserted island and move the dogs, the wenches, the barrels and the raft as far from the flames as we can get - to maximize salin' time.

The three wenches, two dogs and meself would quickly set about drainin' and drinkin' the contents o' one o' the barrels ... because 'waste not want not!' Then, take the empty barrel and lash it to the underside o' the leaky raft to buoy it up and keep 'er from sinkin'.

Then - I'd load the full barrel on the raft as it floats along side the ship and test how many combinations o' dog/wench and Cap'n Slappy can stay afloat.

As the flames closed in on us, we would set ourselves adrift - alternately swimin' and pushin' between ridin' and pointin' in the direction o' that (hopefully) near-by island.

There would be nekkid swimmin' and debauchery - sure - but nobody - not wench, not dog - not Cap'n Slappy goes drownin' without me sez-so!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Cap' Slappy

I just be wonderin' if ye can help me? See i be wantin' to make me own christmas card for a special wench o' mine.

But i not be knowin' what message to be writin' inside?!?!

Could ye help me find somethin' to write? If must be sweet, christmasy and fun.

All ye suggestions are always muchly appreciated.

May ye have a merry christmas and a bountiful new year! Many cheerful blessin's on ye ship.

Captain Mad Davy Kidd
Captain o' The Tortuga Tirent
Captain o' The Pink Pirates
Pirate Lord o' The North Sea

Ahoy Captain Mad Davy Kidd!

Chose from any o' the followin' options:

"Avast me Proud Beauty! I'm wrappin' a bow around meself and I'll
be the partridge in yer pear tree on all twelve days o' Christmas!
I stand ready to Jingle Yer Timbers ... ALL THE WAY!"
* "To me Darlin' Wench at Christmas: Me love for yerself be as
boundless as the sea and what treasure I have be yers - marked
with a bold "X" and buried where only ye will know to dig - in me
heart."
"I may be a complete and utter bastarrrrrd, but at this time a
year I do acknowledge one father - Father Chirstmas - and I thank
his white beard for the gift o' yer sweet, sweet wenchiness! Meet
me under the mistletoe and I'll give ye a festive "nog snog" that
ye won't soon forget!"
"Ahoy me Saucy Strumpet! As I know ye've no stomach for mush, let
me get to the meat o' the matter! I'm goin' to clamp onto ye like
a barnacle and ride ye throughout the yuletide season!"

Thar ye have it, lad - Holiday Greetings from Sweet to Saucy! Mix and match as ye please!

Capn' Slappy

Cap'n Slappy,

Last week, I wrote to you about The Shakespearean Insult Generator, and I appreciate your reply! However, now I have a more serious question to ask ye.

Unfortunately, September 19 of this year coincided with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I had to make a most difficult choice between the contemplative introspection of Rosh Hashanah and the unbridled debauchery of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For better or worse, I chose the contemplative introspection of Rosh Hashanah, largely because my wife (wench?) of 33 years would disapprove...and I would have to fall asleep eventually. (I'm reminiscing about John Wayne Bobbitt and his wife, Lorena, here.)

But tell me, O Captain, are these two sentiments mutually exclusive? Should this situation arise again, is there a solution to my problem?

I look forward to your insight.

Your humble tribal crew member,

Seafarin' Stan

Ahoy Seafarin' Stan!

We've embedded an elegant solution to our holiday/ holy-day/ Talk Like a Pirate Day dilemma by institutin' what we call, "Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!"

And we even extend the concept o' "Weekend" to include up to three or four of the week days prior to or after the actual 19th of September. Even so, this year we know o' at least one rabbi who contemplated the lives of some famous Jewish pirates (like Jean Lafitte) and lessons to be learned from them.

Of course, next year the day lands on a Sunday and we already have one Scottish minister who has written a Talk Like a Pirate Day sermon - so his work for that weekend is already done!

But the calendar is only a guideline for the celebration o' Pirattitude! Unlike most major religions, we make no demands that ye "do it our way!" Ye can have yer contemplative introspection AND contemptible debauchery too! (Just on different days!) And if ye play yer cards right, the one can balance out the other!

ShARRRRlom!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy Cap'n

I've noticed yer nivver seen bounding on main or salesing the sivven sees. Arrrr! Would you be a SOFTWARE pirate now?

Shill for the Business Software Alliance
Motto: We're not front men for monopolistic mega companies with large legal departments. Really.

Ahoy Shill!

Well o' COURSE ye never seen me boundin' or "salesin'!" I be a pirate and am as stealthy as ... well, ... not exactly as "stealthy" as a ninja - but I'm at least as stealthy as an ol' grizzle-bear!

Now before ye go arguin' the relative lack o' stealth in grizzle-bears let me ask ye this. Have ye ever seen a grizzle-bear in the wild? (If the answer be "Aye! I have!" go to question #2.)

#2. Have ye ever seen a grizzle-bear in a pink limousine with seventeen beautiful wenches and one "just okay" wench? And the grizzle-bear be wearin' sun-glasses and smokin' a big ol' Cuban cigar whilst pokin' his big ol' grizzle-bear heard through the sun roof shoutin' "Get me! I be Hugh-Freakin'-Hefner!"

(If the answer to question #2. also be, "Aye! I've seen that too!" Check yer britches 'cuz we've got ourselves a "Liar, Liar Pants on Fire" situation here!)

Now, if ye'll excuse me - I'll be meetin' ol' grizzle-bear at The Linger Longer for pre-party shots!

And tell those legal departments to leave Cap'n Slappy alone - he's pals with a grizzle-bear!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Will I ever get married?

- Anon. basketball coach

Ahoy Anon. basketball coach

Ye probably know that for questions like these, I have to consult with a higher power.

That's right! Even Cap'n Slappy doesn't just "know all!" I have a wee bit o' help from me ol' companion, The Infamous Eight-Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Now, I must warn ye, me darlin' - the Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny can be a harsh assessor o' future events! And sometimes - it foretells things that may or may not be true - just to be mean. That's why it's "Diabolical." But ye asked, so, I'll ask The Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny.

"Oh, Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Will (Anon) ever get married?"

Then we give The Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny a shake - shake, shaky, shaky, shaky, shake! And all is revealed!

/Oh! Here we go again! Somebody wants to see into the future, don't they! That's the only time you call on me, Slappy, you ol' bastard! "I can't see the future! Boo-Hoo-Hoo-Freakin'-Hoo!!!" They wrote to "Ask Cap'n Slappy" not, "Let's all disturb the rest of a perfectly reasonable Infamous Eight Ball o' Diabolical Destiny! Well? Fine! That's just Fine! Tell her this! She WILL get married when she DAMN WELL PLEASES! Not when anyone else wants her to - but when SHE wants to! But ... and this is a bit of a catch ... the person that she marries will have to beat her in a game of one-on-one basketball. That's right! She won't be able to have respect for anyone who can't put it up from three-point-land and lacks a solid cross-over move! Sorry! No game - No glory!

And NO GOIN' EASY ON 'EM just because ye fancy 'em! NO! You go hard to the hole every time! Let yer motto be this, Luv! "Do your COURTING on the COURT!" (That, and "Go hard or go home.") /

Well, me darlin'! That wasn't too bad! Who knows ... when the right one comes along - ye may end up with a bouncin' baby basketballer!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

What is the best alcohol to drink?

Ahoy Nameless Drunkard,

The best alcohol is the one that is;

a) Closest.

And b) Free.

Know when to say, "When am I gonna get that drink ye promised me!?!"

Capn' Slappy

ahoy there cap'n

i be stuck in deep guano now, there be my ship surrounded and boarded by privateers. the cap'ns dead shot through the breast, the rest of the crew deserted the scurvy dogs. being the master at arms I've locked my self in the powder store, i shall join the cursed souls with Davey Jones soon I'm sure of it.

i have but one question, do i blow the powder store now or load as many blunderbusses first and shoot these privateers then blow the powder store?

yours

master at arms tom

Ahoy Armless Tom!

I highly recommend NOT blowin' yerself up - and devisin' a cunning plan whereby yer enemy blows themselves up for ye! Ask yerself, "Do I really want to blow meself up?"

I'm bettin' the answer be, "No, I would prefer not to blow myself up, thank ye!"

What ye need to do is create a diversion. Get a small keg o' powder and empty it in a long snake-like line behind the larger powder kegs, then, stick the barrel o' a blunderbuss in the bung-hole o' the smaller barrel and "hold it hostage."

When they burst into the room, they'll find ye, wide-eyed and wild - with what looks like a keg o' powder - ready to blow them and yerself to kingdom come - use their aversion to blowin' up to make yer way topside whilst the snake o' powder burns down. Once ye be on the upper deck, leap overboard before the ship blows and use yer powder keg for a flotation device!

Simple! Remember - the whole point isn't to take as many o' them as ye can with ye - it's to send as many o' them as ye can on their way and live to get rich!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

How can I keep me dog from crappin' behind me sofa? Th' wee little bilge rat be poopin' behind me back, when I not be lookin'. She be about t' walk th'plank!

Cap'n Momzilla o'th' Olde Crappy

Ahoy Cap'n Momzilla!

Get a bigger dog! Oh, sure, the poo gets exponentially bigger - but thar just be no where a Great Dane can sneak off to in the house to drop a deuce o' dookie!

The problem was that ye got a "wee little bilge rat!" When ye should have got an "enormous poo machine!"

(I recommend purchasin' a snow shovel for the bigger dog. Trust me.)

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

I be in need of insults far worse than bilge rat for "talk like a pirate day". Me grandmum has it comin'. Do ye have any suggestions?

Also, any other insults that can be said without /soundin'/ insultin' to use on me grandpop would be good.

Mistress Cheesey-Pickle o' Th' Olde Stinky

Ahoy Mistress Cheesy!

No self-respectin' pirate would ever disparage their mamaw and pepaw! But, seein' as self-respectin' pirates be rare, try this list on for size!

Geriatric Grog Guzzler
Bucctaganerian
Ancient Mariner - who can't rhyme for squid-shit!
Dependsaneer
Will-Hogger!
Cruise Liner Corsairs
Pirate Pee-Pants
Rum-Swillin' Martin Landau
Greybeard (with chunks of egg in it)
Matlock McBlinkerson (Blinker's On!)

If all else fails, ye can always tell 'em there's a Lawrence Welk Pirate Shanty special on Public Television.

But smile when ye say it and they'll just be happy ye're talkin' to 'em!

Capn' Slappy

Arrrggghhh! What do ya wear for skivvies? What do ya use fr wipin yur arse?

Thanks, Kelly Bessette

Ahoy Kelly!

Gettin' kind o' personal, aren't we? Well, I suppose I invited this sort o' thing when we started, "ASK" Cap'n Slappy. Well, since ye asked - me skivs be, "BoxARRRRs!"

As for the wipin' part - I use a live hedgehog. Because I am a REAL MAN! (And because they are super absorbent!)

Capn' Slappy

Argh! How did you decide on my birthday for TLAPD? : )

Wanda

Ahoy Wanda!

Before we set the date we asked ourselves ... "Whose birthday can we steal?" Ol' Chumbucket said, "Let's steal Wanda's!" I thought it was a good ideARRRR! So we did. It's as simple as that, Luv!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n,

although me admiration for yer and yer pal Ol' Chumbucket goes beyond any literal and mathematical limits, Me remained astonished while reading in yer book, Pirattitude, that Batman had less pirattitude than Spiderman.

left aside the fact that this "Spidey" was bitten by a spider and got superhuman abilities through this bite, only the costume of them differ too much to conclude in a pirattitude loss of Batman.

He's got the darkness on his side, got no blue underwear on red leggings (dear me...) and he knocks out evil guys by using Ju-Jutsu and no fency wire.

So here is me question, Cap'n: why? Why does Batman sill have less Pirattitude than Spiderman?

Yours most faithful

Wang Sa

Although I can't remember exactly WHY we reached the conclusion we did regARRRRdin' the whole "Batman vs. Spiderman Kerfuffle," let me assure ye that we held to our rigid scientific testin' methods designed to produce accurate and long-lastin' results! You might also be interested to learn that our scientific methods leave a pleasant vanilla taste in yer mouth that lasts for two whole hours! (That tells ye the "science" is workin'!)

The other possibility is that we MEANT to write, "Batman" and accidentally wrote in "Spiderman" as havin' the greater amount o' Pirattitude because we were drunk. This remains a very real possibility. And if it is true, we had a delightful rum taste in our mouths that lasted until we started chummin' over the side o' the ship.

Ye might have thought, us bein' pirates and all, that we would have put in a good word for Aquaman - but we never saw much point in him. "Ooooo! Get me! I can convince fish to do things! And I'm a strong swimmer!"

I guess what I'm sayin' is, "We were probably drunk - but we weren't THAT drunk!"

Up Up and Away!

Capn' Slappy

ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Disappointed I am in Ye! I say we take a vote from all able bodied pirates to have Talk Like a Pirate Day always on a weekday! Like other important days!*

Damn Yer Eyes! It be best celebrated at the workplace where there be merchants, an' others donnot understand - an' Winches, donnot be forgettin' th' Winches!

This is my proposition! What say Ye?

Kurtis Wichmann Proud direct decendant of Hennig Wichmann, Pirate and Scourge of the 14th century North Sea

Ahoy Pirate Kurtis!

I'm disappointed right back at ye! Had ye been payin' attention, Ol' Chumbucket and meself have always told people - "If ye want to celebrate it at the office on the Friday before the holiday when it lands on a Saturday or Sunday - just stretch the damn celebration in to, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!'" or conversely, "If the fact that it lands on a weekday be inconvenient for the PARRRty ye've got planned, just pick a weekend either before or after and call it, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day Weekend!"

We picked September 19th so we would remember it! (and so calendarrrr makers could put it on and have it be the same from year to year!) Ye don't go writin' an angry letter to Santa because Christmas is inconvenient for ye, DO YE? No! Ye just schedule the office Christmas party on a date when it's fine if everyone gets drunk and doesn't come to work the next day!

And believe ye, me - I'm the last one to forget the wenches! (Or the winches!)

Still recoverin' from my celebrations and debaucherin'! But I do respect yer pedigree!

Yer pal,

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Arrrr.. I be portly around the middle-girth and want to start a fitness group for my ship-mates. I have toiled many an hour... yet they say my "Pirates" (Pi-ra-tees) is not for them... I thought it would make a mighty fine fitness video, though you'd have o be jolly careful of your swords... Aaaarrr I cannot see a better way to slim their shanks, what can ye suggest?

Deck Mistress Lucretia, aboard the Barnacled Buccaneer

Ahoy Mistress Lucretia!

I say, "Give 'em a choice!" Either pirate exercise YER WAY - or they go on the "Cap'n Slappy - eat only cabbage and drink only urine diet!"

I think they'll start to see things yer way!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy cap'n Slappy

Me and a coupe o' me shipmates were talkin' about the life and love o' a pirate, when we started about priveteers. We then had a philosopical pirate debate about becoming priveteers.

Offically priveteers were just basically pirates but they were lisenced by a country to attack ships from countries that they were at war with. Now pirates could attack who ever they wanted and claimed all the loot on board o' any prizes they took. While a priveteer was limited to ships o' a certain nation, had to give part o' the plunder to the goverment, and this only lasted as long as the goverment wanted and if the priveteers were capture the goverment dont loose anythin'.

To me this is just another example o' how corupt the goverment is tryin' to gain more power and money.

Now i be havin' no problem with this, good on 'em, it only anoys me how they try and cover it up by callin' it 'Priveteerin'. But that bein' said there are advantages, like bein' able to get ship repairs and re-supply with out fear o' bein' hunted by the law.

So my question to ye be, would you ever become a priveteer? And if so would it be for any contry or a particular one? Priveteer or not to priveteer. That be the question.

May all ye ships be bountiful o' boubloons

- Captain Mad Davy Kidd Captain o' The Tortuga Tirent Captain o' The Pink Pirate Pirate Lord o' The North Sea

Ahoy Captain Mad Davy Kidd!

Thar be too much paperwork involved for me to be a pirate! And at the heart o' things, I am a conservator o' paper products! Trees should be for ship-building and not "written permission!" What has paperwork gotten me? A marriage license with accompanyin' divorce decree. Birthday cards remindin' me I be one year closer to death and newsprint that serves me better as a fish-wrapper than it does an information giver!

So, thar ye have it! I need no scrap o' paper what makes me a "Pirate!" And when my turn comes to hang - I'll smile because that gallows will be made o' wood!

(Unless they make it from recycled paper - in which case it'll be the first good purpose that paper ever served!)

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy

This space pirate is in quite a pinch, two actaully. In the far away universe 'Eve' we have a scores of lubbers that do not agree with being blown up, however I lack the proper terms for some situations up here.

How should I call those cowards who prefer to sit in the safety of space stations. So far I have used term 'Dock monkey's' and 'Station jockey's' since 'Station lubber' does not really have the impact of the earlier two.

I face the same problem with the most core busniss of our trade, attacking and destroying other vessels to get the booty. So far I use the term 'blown up' since sinking in space is quite hard, and as far I know sending someone to Davy Jones locker is bit hard to imagine to. Since some of the ships could be serveral clicks (kilometers) long.

My other pinch is that of the proper pet. Parrots and Monkey's are the animals referred in the ancient texts I could fine, but neither of these animals fare well in zero gravity. Are other animals allowed or do these miss the 'yarr' the aformented ones have?

I hope for a quick responce filled with wisdom about these problems.

Forgive me for the lack of correct pirate wording, but the universal translation machine does not contain it.

- Pod Pilot Hikita Ikaruga
Deimos class cruiser, The Blackwind

Ahoy Space Pirate!

Whilst I am not well-versed in the ways o' the Intergalactic Swashbuckler, I can tell ye a couple o' things;

Lubbers what don't agree with what ye call it don't get a say in whether or not they get "blown up!" YE just BLOW 'EM UP! (Sea pirate say, "Blow me down!" but that's somethin' else altogether.)

"Dock Monkeys!" I like that one! (And I know a thing or two about a good mocking name!)

Speakin' o' monkeys, I suppose that if ye be unencumbered by the pull o' gravity, almost any critter can perch on yer shoulder! Hell! Ye could balance an elephant on there and call it, "Ollie!"

And who needs Davy Jones' Locker when ye've got Carl Sagan's Black Hole?!? The point is - ye blow 'em up - they go away!

Pirate on, Space Buccaneer!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy there Cap'n Slappy,

I have a quandary which requires the help from someone extremely knowledgeable. But they all be busy so I thought I would ask you.

I am getting a new tattoo of a piratical nature, to go with my wenchiness, and I have yet to name her. I have attached a scrimshaw rendering as I think you need to see something to be able to name it. Just wondering if you had any ideas.

The Dread Pirate Dweia Namaah
The Inconveniently Placed Itch
Buggered if I know where

Ahoy Dread Pirate Dweia Namaah!

Aye, she be a saucy minx! She reminds me o' a strumpet with a heart o' gold I once knew - she'd throw in an extra bouncy-bouncy if ye took the trouble to give yerself a wash before comin' to the brothel.

Her name were Genevieve LeBustiere!

She makes me sigh just thinkin' about her!

Be sure to send us a picture o' her when ye get her inked!

Capn' Slappy

Hi Capn Slappy,

We are celebrating talk like a pirate day at work.

I have received the assignment of what.. "Freezing the Balls Off the Brass Monkey" means.. could you please explain this to me. Thank you!

Very Respectfully,

Samantha Montemayor SPC, USA Chief of Staff Administrative Assistant First Cavalry Division Com

Ahoy, Samantha,

Ye've received a trick question! Here's a web site that explains the myth. http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/brassmonkeys.htm

The fact o' the matter is, we have no idearrrr where this phrase comes from - we just like it because it is visceral! And pirate prattle is fraught with all manner o' colorful phrases that probably meant somethin' to their originator and took on a whole new meanin' as they were passed along.

But when ye think about the standard "brass monkey is a stand upon which cannon balls are stacked in a pyramid" explanation and then use yer imagination to envision that loose pyramid o' iron balls and the deck o' a rolling ship at sea - ye'll see just how weak an explanation that is. In fact. The great ships of sail stored their cannonballs below decks - out of the rain and mist - on racks that looked sort of like the bowling ball shelves at yer local bowling alley. They would be hauled up as needed by the powder monkeys (thar be yer monkeys!) who also brought up powder from below decks where it, too, was being stored - out of the elements.

So, there ye go - a long non-answer but at least ye know more than before. And if anyone asks, "Where did the phrase, 'Slap weasel grease to it and march on!' come from?" Ye can look 'em square in the eye and say, "Cap'n Slappy made it up in a fit o' drunkenness!" (And that IS true!)

Always here to kick myths in their balls - brass or otherwise.

Capn' Slappy

Hello, This Friday we are celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day at work. My LTC assigned me to tell everyone what the Arms of Kimbo meant.

Unfortunately I think I'm looking at the wrong places or writing it wrong but it keeps on taking me to books and not telling me what it means. Can you please help me? Thank you! :)

SGT Kristina Harris
Division SGM Administrative Assistant
1st Cavalry Division

Ahoy Sgt. Harris!

Ye appear to be confusin' the "Arms of Kimbo" - the tragic story of a boy's heroic struggle after a horrific windmill accident with the phrase "Arms Akimbo."

To stand, "arms akimbo" just think o' the "I'm a Little Tea Pot" song we all sang as children when our parents were trying to raise us to be functional everyday kitchen items. But sing it this way and ye'll be standing "arms akimbo."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout! Here is my handle - here is my other handle! Dammit! I'm a sugar bowl!"

Sorry, old joke!

But I think ye get me meaning. When ye stand "arms akimbo," ye're standing with yer fists on yer hips with yer elbows pointed outward in the classic, "None shall pass!" stance.

Poor Kimbo - he could never present such an impressive, figure - but his armless, "legs a-flutter" stance did inspire people to toss a hay-penny into his hat so he could feed himself and his goat, Chester.

But that's another story for another time.

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

It being so close to TLAPD I be brushin' up on me dictionary o' pirate english, and I was shocked to find I was not sure about the true meanin' o' th words Plunderin' and Pillagin'. Could ye help clear up the difference between the two?

Thank ye Hope all be well, with ye and ol' Chumbucket

Captain Mad Davy Kidd
Captain o' The Tortuga Tirent
Captain o' The Pink Pirate Pirate
Lord o' The North Sea Ahoy Captain

Mad Davy Kidd!

The so-called "experts" what write dictionaries and such would have us believe that "pillage" and "plunder" are no more than synonyms.

Those so-called "experts" are what I likes to call, "nuance-challenged!"

When ye "pillage" ye be "breakin' and takin'!" Whereas when ye "plunder" ye be "takin' and breakin'!" With pillagin' - ye're much more focused on the destruction and mayhem involved in the act. Plunderers, on the other hand, are more "outcome sensitive."

So, ye see, lad - ye can almost break down the whole pirate world into two types o' pirates - thems what likes the journey (The Pillage People) and thems what prefer the destination (Plunder Monkeys.)

I, meself, am more of a Pillage People Person.

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Me mates and myself wish to celebrate the pirate's most revered holiday with a Pirate Pizza Party that includes a scavenger hunt. With your infinite amounts of piratical wisdom, what sorts of sundry things should we be searching for on this lustrious adventure?

hearts of the sea,

Lola, pirate queen (in training)

Ahoy Lola!

A "scavenger" hunt, ye say? Pirates aren't so much "scavengers" as they are "pillager" or "plunderers" - but yer question gave me an ideARRR for a "scavenger" hunt!

Instead o' a set list o' things to scavenge, how about makin' yer pizza-munchin' mates collect items that they must then describe in a nautical context. For instance - they could bring in a Cannon (camera - or camera bag - or picture that was taken by a Cannon camera) This will force them to be creative! They could bring in a picture of a local TV news person and call it an "anchor!" Or bring in a basketball and demonstrate a "Hook" shot.

The mind boggles!

It's not so much the item as the explanation o' WHY it qualifies as piratical that'll be entertaining.

And, of course, ye can be the judge!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap’N Slappy,

I am planning a cool Pirate party to celebrate my son’s 8^th birthday party. Can you help me with a fun Pirate Oath to have the boys recite?

Thank you, Jaxi

Ahoy Jaxi!

Here be me wee pirate oath!

Repeat after me ... (Extra points if they say, "State yer name")

/I, (state yer name), do hereby promise that I will be a good pirate.

I will not fire my cannon at the postal deliverer. I will not hit people with my sword. When I wear an eye-patch I will make sure to switch eyes from time to time.

When my mate spins around and around in a circle, I will try to catch him before he falls. If I can't catch him, I will try to push him toward something soft - like grass or my dad.

I will not pick my nose. But if I do pick my nose, I will try not to wipe my booger on a girl as they think that is gross.

I will ask for a second piece of birthday cake - but I will make sure that I say, "Please" and "Thank You" because nobody likes a rude pirate.

Oh, yeah. I will also wash my hands before eating - especially after picking my nose.

On my oath as a wee pirate, I promise to do all these things to the best of my ability - so help me, Poseidon.

/May yer son have the best 8th birthday ever!

Capn' Slappy

Dear Captain Sloppy,

I have been out of work for months now with no end in sight. I'm like a ship with no wind in her sails and a broken compass. What can I do?

The Dread Pirate Jeff Arrgh!
Blasted from me CrackBarrrrry!

Ahoy Dread Pirate Jeff!

Ye can start by not callin' me "Captain Sloppy!" (Ye wee bugger!) It's "Cap'n" - the pirate spellin'. And the last name is "Slappy" in a long line o' proud Slappys. From former president Chester A. Slappy to me grand-pappy Slappy who once taunted a man to death - just for gettin' his name wrong!

But back to yer concern at hand ... joblessness is no laughing matter. Who we be. How we see ourselves is often tied up in our employment. Ye may have to move ship to richer waters. Ye may have to settle for a job that pays ye far less than yer last one. Ye may have to part with a spare organ or two - or allow medical experimentation. Just be open to the "possibilities!"

Here is a partial list o' jobs in the pirate industry that may pique yer interest;

Hull Scraper (requires thrice daily keelhauling)
Cannon Tester (swimming skills a plus)
Ship's Cook (must sometimes perform amputations - while preparing meatloaf)
Ship's Goat (duties as assigned)

But don't despair, lad! Ye'll find gainful employment again! And mind how ye list me as a reference!

Capn' Slappy

Every year we celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day in my library! This year i be addin a flag to fly. Do ye suggest the jolly roger or the jack rackam? any suggestions would be much appreciated abouts flags or other wise for our day of festivities. we be celebratin on Thursday seein as how TLAPD falls on a Saturday.(better for me and my band of buccaneers ha!)

doug "red goat" bean

Ahoy Doug "Red Goat" Bean!

"Jolly Roger" is the name given to any pirate flag - and thar were many o' 'em! Varying on a theme of skulls and crossed bones (Rackham had crossed swords) - but all conveyin' menace and the threat o' death. The symbols sit on either a black or red field. (Death and Blood)

I've always been partial to a cannon on a green field - because green is the color of growth and renewal and the cannon says, "Watch out! We've got a cannon!"

But it might be good for yer library to design its own Jolly Roger! It might show a skull with a single bony finger where the lips once were - underneath six letters; SHHHHH

That'd keep 'em quiet in the children's section!

Capn' Slappy

Our Dearest Cap'n Slappy,

As I am writin to yer Greatnees, master of knowledge on all subjects piratical and what not, I be plannin me latest sceme fer special and hopefully eventfull ITLAPD holidays. Unfortunately I notice that I am at a loss for how to approach the new season of seafarin slang to the lubbers.

I be humbly asking for ye to advise me if I should attack head-on and go all out pirate, or simply speak. The reason I ask is because I am a well seasoned pirate, but only a freshmen in highschool and am not sure if this is the right way to celebrate such a marvelouse holiday outside of my seasonal frequenting of rennasaince festivals.

Your Truley,

~Captain Bloody Jane

Ahoy Captain Bloody Jane!

It's always a challenge to start a new school, a new job or replace yer entire crew when they've run off and joined the circus - (Stupid Clowns!!!)

As a freshperson in High School, ye've got enough to worry about without tryin' to establish a new holiday at the beginnin' o' a new year. But perhaps ye'll have a teacher or other respected adult who sees the value in a bit o' nautical whimsy and has the clout to make it stick. Usin' yer best subtleness, direct said teacher or influential adult to our web site - especially the parts where we sell t-shirts and books and what not - and see if he/she can get a little wind in the sails and see it catch on!

(Of course, we'll all know it was actually yerself behind the mayhem - but we needn't share that bit o' information until at least yer Junior year!)

Capn' Slappy

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

When ye answered the question about pirate jokes, ye only said there were three, I have found an entirelt different one that has nothing to do with the misplcement of the phrase ARRR.

Here is how it goes: A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks what it is for.

Sadly, the pirate replyes, "There be a bounty on me head, mate!".

There you go, nothing to do with saying ARRR, but also is a grand example of piratial whitticism.

Yours Ever Truely and Humbly,

~Captain Bloody Jane Ahoy

Captain Bloody Jane!

Point well taken! The "Bounty on me head" joke is a new one on me!

Capn' Slappy

Ol' Chumbucket chimes in: I believe there are seven (7) Pirate Jokes in all.

1-- "Driving me nuts"

2 -- "First day with the new hook"

3 -- The Bounty Joke (which I only just heard recently myself, so it may be a newer one. Wait wasn't that on Dimitri Martin about a month ago? I think it was.)

4 -- The "cost of corn/a buck an ear" joke

5 -- The kid on Halloween whose buccaneers are "on either side of me buckin' head" (Note: Some may argue that 4 and 5 are variants of the same joke. Those people need to get lives.)

6 -- My personal favorite: Stop me if you've heard this one (yeah right, just try to stop me) What has six arms, six legs and six eyes?" Answer: Six Pirates

7 -- And then the million and one variants of the Aarrr joke. Which are all the same damn joke. Hope that helps, and if it doesn't, oh well.

YO HO Capn’ Slappy!

I be lookin’ for some o’ yer advice givin’s. A mate o’ mine be gettin' married on th’ pirate day, an’ I not be knowin’ what to say! I care to be givin’ the day its due, with a few words. Can ye help?

Kelly McCoy

Ahoy Kelly!

Here's a wee speech I writ for talkin' at weddin's on International Talk Like a Pirate Day;

/Ahoy ye Rogues, Wenches and sundry personages o' ill repute!

Far be it from yers truly to say anythin' disparagin' about the bride and the groom - at least until I can claim to be too drunk to remember what I said! But before the rum takes its toll and the room starts rollin' forward and aft, let me just say this about these two remarkable youngsters - they're out o' their frog-floppin' minds!

Oh, sure, they look fine now - but give it a month ... perhaps two.

Before ye know it, she'll be workin' on Stage II o' her plan to make him the man she thinks he ought to be! And he will put every ounce o' energy he spent in wooin' the poor wench into his campaign o' passive resistance in his improvised war on ambition.

Their hot-bed o' The Bouncy-Bouncy will soon become the ice box where dreams go to die.

So, here's to 'em! Fools and dreamers - liars and schemers and the happiest married couple in the room today!

/Of course, after that speech, ye'll want to dash to the window and make a bold escape.

OR ...

Ye could just lift a glass and say, /"To the happy couple - may all yer horizons be the realization o' all yer dreams - and may ye always find safe harbor in each others' arms!"/

Keep it short and sweet and they'll let ye eat cake!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy

How do I say Happy Birthday Beautiful in pirate? Please help, her birthday is tomorrow!!!

Ahoy K!

That depends - are ye a "Fancy Pirate?" If so, ye might say somethin' like, "May ye frolic like an otter with an open clam shell on this, the annual celebration o' the day o' yer birth, me Proud Beauty!"

or ...

"What a glorious sail around Phoebus that brings us to yer natal day, me Peal o' Great Price!"

But, if ye're more o' a less-fancy, "Jack Pirate," ye're apt to say any o' the followin':

"It's mornin' and me breakfast ain't gonna cook itself, wench!" "Happy Birthday to ye, Darlin' - I gots a prezzie for ye under the sheets - just pull me finger and I'll fluff it out for ye!" "How about a bit o' the ol' 'Bouncy-Bouncy' in celebration o' ye gettin' on in years!" "The calendar be damned, me Jewel! Ye don't look a day over ..." (and then wander off mutterin' to yerself) "Thank Poseidon's salty man-nipples it's Friday! I'll be drinkin' with the lads tonight after a hard day o' plunderin' - what'll ye be doin'?"

If I was ye, lad, I'd "fancy up" for the day!

Capn' Slappy

How do a pirates propose a girl ? It will be wired but still :)

Saarthak

Ahoy Salty Saarthak!

If I understand your question properly, and I'm not sure I do, you want to know how a pirate proposes, or at least pledges his heart to a wench. I'm copying in Cap'n Slappy on this one since he has a lot of experience in this department.

You might try somethin' along the lines of, "Avast thar, me proud beauty! Let's sign articles fer a lifetime of pillage and plunder!"

Or recognizing your own personal limitations, you might try, "I know I'm not much to look at, but the ship offers dental insurance, so why not sign up fer a hitch?"

But I think the single best way for a pirate to declare his undying love for a wench would be the time-honored phrase, "Prepare to be boarded!"

And if that be "wired," so be it!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy there Cap'n Slappy!

My boyfriend's little sister is having a pirate birthday party TONIGHT, and I'm looking for something clever to say on the pirate cake I'm making for her. (She's 19)....PLEASE HELP!

Thanks, Chrystal

Ahoy Chrystal!

Just off the top o' me fevered brain - here's some pirate birthday cake sayings for a 19-year-old wench!

Yo Ho! (No, not THAT kind o' "Ho"!)
WENCH-CAKE!
Happy Birthday Ye Saucy Minx!
Pirates Aren't Born - They're Spawned! Happy Spawning Day!
Eat The Cake OR Walk The Plank!
19 Years of a Saucy Wench! (Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle o' Rum!)
No, It's NOT Rum Cake! (Eat It Anyway, Wench!)
Aye! It's Yer Birthday, Wench! Eat Up!
This Frosting Is Made With Farm-Fresh Squid!

I hope one o' those inspires ye!

Capn' Slappy

*Cap'n Slappy,*

What's your advice on using 2 for 1 vouchers when out on dates?

I say, if you've got it, spend it, and if you've not got it you can't. But if you've got 2 for 1 vouchers, you spend it, and you get twice as much.

I'm being told it's not romantic enough though What say you?

Cap'n Rob of London*

Ahoy Cap'n Rob o' London!

I'm o' two minds for this one dilemma. I loves a bargain but I'll not be thought stingy in the eyes o' a wench I'm tryin' to pitch a bit o' woo to. But would I want to pitch woo to a wench who doesn't appreciate the value o' the ol' "Two-Fer?" And just how comely is this vixen that she thinks she's above a cut-rate promotional gimmick?

And thar be the rub! If she be comely - she can be as demandin' as she likes. On the other hand, if the voucher-bearer be a man o' unparalleled handsomeness and charm, he can pull off the coupon exchange with no fear o' derision or rejection.

In fact, all courtin' behavior comes down to this - the sexier ye be, the more ye can get away with.

Ugly men such as meself will always have to pay full price for feedin' the face o' the wench they're with - we have to make up the beauty deficit somewhere and nothin' says "come do the bouncy-bouncy with me" like an overflowin' coin purse.

Handsome men can flash their vouchers and insist that the salmon be cooked on a plank o' cedar logged in the mountainous panhandle o' Idaho in a month not containin' an "R." Attractiveness has its privilege.

So, before ye go usin' those vouchers on a date, take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yerself, "Am I a pretty enough man to pull this off?"

I'll be payin' full price and tippin' heavily!

Capn' Slappy

Ahoy, Cap' Slappy!

I, the Norse Pirate Mistress, Cap'n o' the Flyin' Crocodile Machine, and Terror o' the North Sea, salute you!

Although I be a mighty pirate (and to tell ye the truth, there ain't much competition in these cold, unfriendly waters) I seem to be havin' troubles o' the heart. Ye, bein' the wisened old sea dog that ye are, could surely give advice to a wench facin' rough waters?

I be tryin me best to remain me reputation as the Terror o' the North Sea, but lately, me heart has failed me. You see, Cap'n Slappy, whenever I be faced with violence, movies with gutting, mangling or merely terror, I faint. Ye heard me, Cap'n, this wench be a lily-livered buccaneer who now be the laughing stock of her entire crew.

They won't say anything to me face, mind, but as a lass, they be already viewing me as "of the fragile sort", and a faintin' cap'n is no good!

What's a lass to do, I ask ye?

Then, there's another matter. I have been sailin' the seas with a fine Gentlemen o' fortune fer two years now, but for a while, my eye fell onto me first mate, and I had some too-friendly-kind feelings t'ward 'im fer a long time. Like any storm, thankfully, it settled, and became nothing more than another silouette on me horizon, me boyfriend never knew, and me first mate and I have kept our relationship as purely plato-like.

But now I be movin' across the country, to the seas I have longed for, and as I said goodbye to me mate, all those good-for-nothin' feelin's came floodin' back.

What do I do? I won't leave me hearty mate, he be a fine boyfriend and I love 'im, but I can't leave my feelings t'wards me shipmate behind.

May fair winds and good grog come yer way,

the Norse Pirate Mistress,
Cap'n o' the Flyin' Crocodile Machine, and Terror o' the North Sea

Ahoy Norse Pirate Mistress!

First things first! Ye need to "condition" yerself for blood-lettin'! Start with candy-filled pinatas! Ye know - those flamboyantly adorned paper mache animals that children whack with a stick in order to gut them for their confectionery guts? Well, whack away! Then, when that becomes easy - replace the candy with tomato juice! Before ye know it, ye'll be eviscerating yer enemies and lookin' for the chewy nougat inside!

Now, for yer heart ... If ye're a human being (and from the sound o' things, ye are) ye'll always have some attractions to the wonderful people who pass through yer life. That's normal! And I think ye have a solid perspective on this because ye recognize that the man ye have is splendid and ye'll not leave him! That's smart! Followin' yer heart out the door after every Jack that makes it skip a beat is one o' those behaviors that can become habitual. Ye dash Pete to the rocks in favor o' Tom and before ye know it, ye're leavin' Ol' Tom for Bob - or worse, Cletus.

Forgive yerself for attractions - it's just yer heart sayin', "Aye! I'm still alive!" And praise yerself for keepin' faith! That's yer heart as well sayin', "I know where 'home' is!"

Capn' Slappy

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