The Poopdeck

Our new book, "The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer," will be released soon by Citadel, a division of Kensington Books. You can order your copy in advance from Amazon.com, or your favorite local bookseller.

Here's a short excerpt from the opening chapter of this life-changing tome. Enjoy! (But don't let your enjoyment spill over into taking these words and passing them off to your friends as your own work. Naturally, all rights are reserved, "The Pirate Life" is copyrighted, and no one may reproduce them in any way, shape form or size blah blah blah fullest extent of the blah blah blah so help us we'll hunt you down and blah blah blah.)

Chapter One: Why Pirates?

Pirates are cool.

Pirates are cooler than anyone you know – unless you happen to know Samuel L. Jackson, the coolest person ever, in which case we have a screenplay we’d like you to pass along to him for us.

For more than 300 years pirates have been our most colorful sources of entertainment, providing a touchstone for personal freedom, freewheeling liberty and puffy shirt styles. In books, movies, television and Scooby Doo cartoons, pirates are cool. Scary – sometimes. Smelly – usually. But always cool.

Whether you’re a dentist or an insurance agent, whether you study Renaissance dance in college or drive a diaper delivery truck, your life could use a little pirating up.

Developing the proper pirattitude – the attitude of a pirate – might be just the thing you need to transform your daily routine into an adventure. And adventure is just a short hop, skip and a jump from mishap, mayhem and incarceration in a Caribbean prison, so mind your step. And kids – stay in school!

Scientific studies that we just made up suggest that no occupation in our modern world compares to the coolness of being a pirate. Very few occupations rate even 50 on the Pirate Scale, in which Pirate is 100 points of coolness. Even the next highest-rated careers, professional wrestler and NASCAR driver, fall short of the essential coolness of a pirate.

But when the study’s authors (who we also made up out of whole cloth and rum-addled ravings) added a measured dose of pirattitude (between 10 and 30 ml per 187 pounds of bodyweight) to the subjects, in every case it boosted other careers on the Pirate Scale, sometimes to surprising and dangerous levels.

We'll be passing on a few more excerpts in the coming issues of The Poopdeck to whet your appetite in the hopes that you'll be convinced to pick up a copy or five.

Next time: A few words from our chapters on dating and diet!

Facebook Scuttles Cap'n Slappy

A message in a bottle from Cap'n Slappy:

"Tis a sad day indeed when the programmable monkeys at Fecesbook can just pull the plug on a sweet little ol’ pirate captain what aint done no harm to no one and maroon him in despair to the island o’ “Boo-Freakin’-Hoo-ville.” So now THEY get to decide, “who’s real and who ain’t?”

"Well, the plug’s been pulled and there’s an end on it – it was a fun waste o’ time whilst it were up and me pals from Bristol to Baltimore from Madrid to Malaysia will sorely be missed."

(Editor's note: What Slappy seems to be saying is Facebook deleted his page on their site because he's apparently not a real person. Which comes as a big surprise to those of us who know him. Or knew him, I guess.)

"For those who dance in both worlds – our Foxmorton was sweet enough to help Ol’ Cap’n Slappy set up a new page at MySpace - And there's also the official Talk Like a Pirate myspace page.

At least there, they still believe in “Free Speech!

Tell Us Your Talk Like a Pirate Day Plans!

We've been hearing from you for months now, telling us what you're planning to do this Sept. 19 (and the whole TLAPDay weekend,Sept. 19-21!)

And we've been posting them on the Web site. (And by "we," obviously I mean Jezebel the Web Wench, since Slappy and I wouldn't know the Web from a cargo net.) You can find them here. There'll be parties and celebrations all over the world, maybe in a dockside tavern near you! And if there's not, it's not too late to start planning something on your own!

Here's something very cool from Cap'n James Dexter, the resident volunteer and tour coordinator for Angel Island State Park in the middle of San Francisco Bay. He's hoping some large Bay-area group might consider the park as a place to celebrate TLAPD: "If there is a group out there who would like to celebrate TLAP Day on an actual island, Angel Island is a perfect place to do it! After all, it is an ISLAND. Treasure hunts, Grog, Rum, Wenches (see disclaimer*), and Salmagundi can all be had and done on the jewel of the bay: Angel Island." .. California State Parks are in an awful way right now financially, so a large group that wishes to have a Special Event, will help Parks to stay afloat. For more information about reservin' the island for yer party, contact Capn' James at aivc@parks.ca.gov or 415-435-3522 *Disclaimer: Reference to any group based on gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or creed (like the Pirates' creed) is to be ignored because it is only in jest and not a pejorative.

Good Pirates, Good Causes

Takin' a nod from the Marie Curie Cancer Cure and other fine folks who've used International Talk Like A Pirate to raise money for good causes, Cap'n Slappy is encouragin' folks to make 2008 The Year o' th' Philanthropic Pirate and pass the pirate hat for the cause o' yer choice. For ideas, see: http://www.talklikeapirate.com/plunder.html

Until next week, this is Ol' Chumbucket saying, Thanks for spreadin' the word, and the word is "Aarrr!!"

-- Ol' Chumbucket, editor

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