Merry Christmas to the 3,429 Bold Buccaneers Who Subscribe to the Poopdeck!
277 Days Until International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
10 Days Until That Other Holiday!
In this holiday edition:
Night Before Cap'n Slappy's Christmas
By Cap'n Slappy
(Not for the children, unless you have very piratey children)
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the ship
There was nothing to munch on – not even a chip.
The flagons were empty. The rum was all gone.
All pirates were sober and would be till dawn.
With the crew in their hammocks I’d long hit the sack
For the watchmen were watchful, there’d be no attack.
When down on the wharf there arose such a ruckus
I fell from my bunk on my back and my tuchus.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Cementhands McCormack and four kegs of beer!
His nosey was rosey from having been drunk
But a selfish man, never – of us he had thunk.
He’d gambled with locals who weren’t that clever
“Such patsies!” he said, “I could pluck them forever.”
Doubloons were still spilling from his big britches' pockets.
“They gambled their watches, their bracelets and lockets!”
But then he had thoughts of his mates on the boat.
“What good are my winnings? To whom can I gloat?”
And then he remembered there was naught to drink
And this made him thoughtful – the big man would think.
“Well, it’s Christmas” he thought, “And there’s nothing to do.
Should I blow it on harlots? Nah – BOOZE FOR THE CREW!”
So the big man bought kegs, he bought bottles, a flagon.
And he piled them up high in a little red wagon
That he dragged 'cross the cobblestone streets of the town.
Some bottles fell off and the flagon fell down.
But he grabbed the last bottle, in his pants he did tuck it.
“This one’s for the captain – and his pal, Chumbucket!”
What joy there arose when he finally arrived
For the lack of the drink made the crew feel deprived
Now they toasted and boasted, they guzzled and swilled
Had the wagon been bigger, they would have been killed
By alcohol poisoning – no doubt about it
But it wouldn’t be piratey Christmas without it.
And the big man, he bellowed before he got plastered,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU PIRATEY BASTARDS!”
(Fans of Cap'n Slappy's poetical efforts can find much more such stuff in Cap'n Slappy's Parade of Pirate Poetry," available on line at http://talklikeapirate.com/book.html. Makes a great stocking stuffer, and you can read it, too!)
(Also note that the above bit of poesy comes from our story, "The Curacao Caper," which will soon be available online as well. As soon as we finish writing the damned thing.)
Some Videos to Brighten Your Holiday
Nothing says "Family Christmas" like gathering with your loved ones in front of the warm, flickering glow of the computer screen and watching a few piratey holiday videos.
The very best of these is our own. Talk about your Yuletide Treasures! You just won't get a more holiday feeling than sharing this with your loved ones - or your co-workers. You can enjoy the classic "Pirate Plunderland," recorded live at Gallows Bay, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjqEr9zOBkY. And you can see all the rest of the OfficialWench videos on youtube as well. They're mostly pirate, and pretty much all funny.
But we don't have a corner on the market when it comes to pirate Christmas videos. Just go to youtube and search for "Pirate Christmas." Here's a few of the Yuletide gems you'll find.
* "The Pirates Christmas Card" (After our own, I think this one's my favorite. You'll have to decide how your kids will feel watching a crew of pirates tying up Santa and his elves.)
* "Pirate Santa" (Not much to look at, but you've gotta love a song with the line, "Few survive to tell the tale / of Pirate Santa and his ship from hell." Definitely NOT for the kids.)
* "Pirate Christmas Tree" (This is just a guy showing off his Christmas tree, which he's done up in Jolly Rogers. He's obviously proud of his work, and it's short - the video, that is, not the tree.)
Anyway, that's just a smattering to whet yer appetite. You'll find plenty more without even much trying.
Enjoy them all (especially ours!) and have a merry Christmas!
Ol' Chumbucket, ed.
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